Actually, it was tears before lunch. Lots and lots of them...
This morning was Ozzy's appointment with the vet to determine what his mysterious fainting spells are. Turns out they're mini-heart attacks. And now we've fallen all the way down the slippery slope and are lying in a crumpled heap at the bottom. There's nothing else that can be done--he's already taking all the meds a tiny wee dog can possibly take--so it's just a matter of time now. His walks are restricted, though he can still go to the park, I'll just have to carry him for most of the walk; also up and down the stairs.
The hardest part, and the reason for my tears, is realizing that I can't change this, can't save him or turn back time. And hanging over my head like the bloody sword of Damocles is that Ultimate Decision: Let nature take its course until the Big One kills him, or go for the...other option. Either way, the outcome is the same, though how I get there is decidedly different.
So, after most of a box of Kleenex, and a very long and painful conversation with the vet, we both agreed that until Oz crosses the line between having a life or barely living, I'm going to take it day by day, and give him as much love and care that I possibly can. There are no other choices.
I hate this.
Oh....oh....hell. I am so sorry...and those words are not even close to adequate. In a world where Fate plays a role I often argue with, I am so glad you are the lover of Ozzy, and he, the lover of you. For what is life but to feel loved? And what is the truest, deepest love but to be the survivor--to make sure the other feels loved until the very last moment, though the grief slices deep. Love hard....cry hard. Damn life. xo
ReplyDeleteHe's also the last link to my old life, my wee Scottish lad. Seems like every time I turn around another piece of my past drifts away. Thanks for your words, and good to know you're still out there...
DeleteYou have my sympathies. Just remember you've given him the best of...well, you know.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I know...and so do you since you've just gone through this yourself. Serious suckage...
DeleteOh Terlee...my heart goes out to you. Ozzy is the luckiest dog in the world having been loved by you. Please know that. We're all thinking of you...hang in there and cherish your sweet quiet moments with your dear furry friend.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comment, Ang...truly.
DeleteThis morning Oz is happy and playful and you'd never know there was a thing wrong. I'm not sure if that makes me feel better...or worse.
Everything Ozzy has given you, you've returned with all your heart. He's made your time here better, and you've made his wonderful. That's how it should be. That's love. And that's why it's so hard to say goodbye.
ReplyDeleteI've held nearly all my little loves as they went onto the next place, and parting is never easy, but I've gotten through by thinking how much they've given to me, how much they've made up for all the sadness and ugliness, and how much I tried to do the same for them. And that's all we can do. A life without them in it is unimaginable to me.
I've got you and Ozzy in my prayers. Be strong for him.
Yesterday I was holding Oz while the vet and I were talking. During a break while he went to get the Kleenex, I was whispering to Oz about all our travels and adventures and had just said that he had more stamps in his passport than most people when the vet came back. He smiled, said those were the things to think about: the good times, the fun, the happiness.
DeleteThanks for your support...I was feeling a bit lost yesterday.
So sorry to hear about Ozzy, our furry family members give us so much love that it hurts to be unable to help them. I shed tears with you.
ReplyDeleteTheir love is so unconditional, it's hard to imagine not having it when they're gone. Today he's doing fine...that's all I can ask for at this point. Thanks for your kindness...
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