Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Suspiria de Profundis

Thought I was doing okay after climbing out of the Abyss several days ago, but I wasn't paying attention...and fell right into the Slough of Despond.

April.  How this month has tortured me over the years.  Pain and sorrow, death and destruction.  I mentioned to my sister I was going to shut myself up in a cryonic cylinder next year and spend the whole blasted thirty days in frozen, ignorant bliss. After some discussion, we decided--it being April and all--the odds were that the freezing process would probably fail and I would melt away like an ice cube.


I could sense it coming for a while now, a knowing growing stronger as the weeks and months have sped by.  Lately, there's been an edge to my awareness, a shiver of unease that it's close, just over the horizon and any minute I'll be able to see it...

Over the weekend I realized that it's finally here, waiting over.  I am standing at the crossroads, without a single clue, idea or map to show me the way forward.

It's not the first time I've been here.  No, I've been here at least three times before in my life.  Once I made the biggest mistake ever, another time I made the best decision, and at one crossroad it made no difference which way I went.

But this time, my choice is important, perhaps even crucial.  I'm not twenty with decades to make mistakes and changes; not thirty with a bit of wisdom but not quite enough yet; not forty with old dreams lost and new ones found.  I stand at my present crossroads and hear the echoes of the past, the murmur of future journeys, but instead of feeling excited or joyful...I'm afraid.  What do I want? Where is my place in the world?  Which is the right path?

I have a long list of chores and house-related tasks that I need to take care of over the next few months. They should get me into September and with a wee bit of luck, lots of thinking and meditating, toss in an adventure or two...and I just might be able to figure this out.


Suspiria de profundis: Sighs from the depths.  And doesn't that pretty much say it all...


  1. Crossroads are interesting places. Deals with devils are made there.

  2. Lovely lady . . .

    I needed to formally thank you for the lovely, supportive and caring comment you left
    on my last blog post. Made my day. Truly. ♥

    Sending you Light and Love to help with all that is weighing on your mind.
    I can empathise and so I'm sending you the link to a gem I found last week ...

    1. You're totally welcome, Angy, I'm just glad you're writing again.
      Thanks so much for your words and the link...

  3. It will get better...this I know for sure. Feel this sadness now. It will take you to May ;-) A better, brighter month.

    1. I can already see the light of May shining at the end of this dark and dreary tunnel. Only a week to go for that better, brighter month. Woo hoo... ;D

  4. I think as we get older we assume we have more limits to our choices because we're not 20 anymore, and that every decision is that much more critical. But maybe the reality is the exact opposite, and we have more choices than the 20 year olds.

    I'm much better at coping with failure now than I was at 20. I am kinder to myself; I know it's not the end of the world and I have faith that no matter how lost I become I will find my way again. I also trust myself -- I barely knew myself at 20.

    You can do this. Trust yourself.

    1. I totally agree with having better coping skills these days. What used to really upset me at 25 doesn't even register now. A good thing, for sure.

      I think my real angst here is Sands in the Hourglass Syndrome...