Fog, Frost and Writing...

Before we return to the saga of Terri in Edinburgh, I just want to point out that little number over there on the right...where the Word Count is.  Amazing that I managed to conjure up over 1,800 words yesterday when I don't have a clue what I'm writing..!!  And, yes, I have a big stupid grin on my face as I say that. 

I'm what is known in the writing world as a Pantser: someone who writes by the seat of their pants.  Frankly, I find that term very derogatory and prefer Free Form writing.  Still.  The bottom line is, I have no idea what my plot is, or where in the world I'm going with it.  So far though, I'm pretty intrigued, and for Day One not doing too badly.

The sunset last night was beautiful, though didn't come out in a photo nearly as great as real life.  The colors seemed to fill the sky and even tint the living room with a subtle reddish pink glow.

Then this morning when I opened the blinds, I thought at first it had snowed..!!  The frost was very thick on the ground, which should just about have finished off the last three pumpkins.  Drat.  I really wanted to see how big they would grow.  (Yes, that shiny white stuff is frost).

It's also an Islands in the Stream morning.  The whole valley is under cover of dense fog, which makes the mountain peaks look like islands in a white sea.  I love this weather spectacle, though the temperature is about 30*...brrrr.  When I took the dogs outside for their quickie, it really was for a change..!!  Might have to put them in their winter coats for the walk in the park later...

Okay, enough dawdling.  Time to get back to the last portion of the very lengthy journal entry of Oct 16th.

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After such a late start, I managed to leave the hotel around 1:00pm, heading for Ocean Terminal and too many memories.

I used to have terrible waves of homesickness in Roseburg, imagining Alan & I in Costa at OT, drinking our coffee, eating a lemon slice.  Well, today I did it in real life and it nearly killed me.  It was one trip I knew I had to make--the other being Cramond where I just can't go right now.  There was hardly a week in years and years that we didn't end up at OT, either for coffee, or the movies, or the bookstore. 

I drank my coffee, had my lemon cake, and somehow--maybe because so many tears were shed last night--managed NOT to cry for a change, though it was close.  I could just see Alan sitting across from me at the little round table, licking his finger to gather up the last cake crumbs, not wasting a thing, while I scoffed and said, "Oh for heaven's sake, Alan, could you not do that in public?"  He would smile at me and keep right on doing it until that plate was sparkling clean.  He loved to wind me up...but he also loved that lemon cake.

I walked up to the top level so I could look out over the view.  A view I know like the back of my hand.  Killed me.  Cramond is just out of view to the left; I could clearly see the Ochils; the manor house on the hill in Fife Alan always said was mine (and remember that drive one Sunday when we searched and searched for the road that led to that house??  You were so clever, and smug, when you found it).  Today is a beautiful sunny day, and Fife looks so lovely and green; Inchcolm and the Abbey shining in the blue waters of the Forth; two big freighters heading out to sea; the blue, blue Scottish sky.

Struggled with all my being not to break down.  I can't believe how much more I miss Alan with each day that passes.  It's not getting better, or easier.

Went into Waterstones, bought some cards, then hightailed it out of Ocean Terminal without going to any more shops.  I was barely holding it together and two breakdowns in public are just about my limit--I hope.

I originally tried to take the bus to OT, but ended up finding a cab after several attempts to snare the right bus.  I did take the bus back to the hotel though, and enjoyed riding on the upper level, looking at Leith, though again, Alan is everywhere.  During the course of our ten+ years I doubt there are many places in Edinburgh we haven't been together.

I made it to my room before I totally and completely lost the plot.  Bawled like a baby and for a wee bit there wasn't sure I could/would stop.  The aching, agonizing, lost feeling just completely overshadows everything.

Called my sister, though didn't connect.  A good thing really as I broke down before I finished leaving a message.  Told her I would call later and not to worry, regardless of my tears, I was doing fine.

Jack and Alice had invited me out to dinner for tonight, but I'd sort of put them off because of my wish to spend the day alone.  Jack had called however whilst I was out and when I called back, it just seemed like the right thing to do.  Besides we three had not really spent alone time together and I could use their company after such a day.  Jack said they would come around 5:15 or so and we would go out to Ratho to a lovely country inn that he and Alice have loved going to for many a year.

So.  While I wait for my pick up, I'm sitting here in my room, having a nice cuppa, and bringing my journal up to date of the past few days...

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My emotional hurricanes are just annihilating me.  I'm trying very had not make any decisions, or judgments, or do anything other than just go with the flow and take everything in.  Unfortunately, what appears to be happening--more and more as time goes by--is the tears are flowing and I'm taking in waves of loss and loneliness!  Is that the point of this journey?  God, I hope not.

Being here--being back home--has been good on the "familiarity with Edinburgh" side of things, but so brutal and devastating on the "miss my husband, where is Alan?" side of it all.  I don't know what to do, or what to think, or where to go.  All I really want is that we had never left in the first place, I was busy making dinner right now at the house in Cramond, Ozzy was outside barking at whoever dares walk past his gates, and Alan would come into the kitchen, snuggle in behind me, and give me one of his bone-melting hugs while I squirmed and giggled and told him to go away, I'm trying to cook here, silly man.

How can one wee heart keep breaking over and over and over again???????????

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It makes me so sad to re-read this whole episode.  It was bad enough to experience it firsthand, but that weekend was so bittersweet.  I longed for Alan, for my old life, and felt such sadness, but it was interspersed with joy at being with family and friends, being home in Edinburgh, sharing memories and stories about Alan which brought me comfort, gave me support.

If any of you are still reading, things get better and I don't crack up anymore.  Those three days--Friday through Sunday--were killer though, no question.

In the next entry, Monday was the worst monsoon weather day of all time, I had lunch with Lorna, Morag fell and ended up in the hospital and--well, I'll continue tomorrow, but if it's any consolation?  I had to go back to the States on Thursday, so things are coming to an end shortly, no matter what...

Photos...and Journal

First, the photos.  I took the dogs to our regular place: Stewart Park in the middle of town.  It's a lovely park, though always filled with joggers, dog walkers, strollers, skateboarders...oh, you get the picture; it's a well-used city park.  The last time we were there--last Friday--the trees were just spectacular with their Fall leaves.  Then, over the weekend and a bit yesterday, we had some pretty good breezes and a few strong gusts of wind, which means I wasn't happy to discover this morning that most of the beautiful foliage was gone..!!  Buggers.  Still, I managed to take a few shots, much to Max's dismay and his camera phobia.

Our walking route takes us past the baseball park, alongside the golf course, down along the river, then back around to the baseball area where I've parked the car.  It's a good, long walk and usually takes nearly 40-50 minutes, depending on how many times the boys have to stop, sniff, pee, do the guy dog thing.

This lovely tree is right inside the golf course.  It looks so bright amd golden in the sunshine...

Walking across the road, from the golf course side of the park to the river side.  Two small trees on the bank of the river.  With no rain for months, you can hardly tell there's even a river there..!!

Sunshine through the trees and sparkling on the river, though I realize it's pretty hard to tell there's water flowing.  Maybe clicking on the photo will help..??

So, now we're back home, dogs are happy and taking their late morning naps.  I want to post the next portion of the travel journal, then this afternoon I'm going to start the NaNo book.  And yikes, that ought to be interesting as I don't have a clue what to write..!!  Oh well, that's half the fun really.  (Yeah, and remind me I said that when I'm pulling out my hair because my brain's fried and I've literally lost the plot..!!)

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Sunday, Oct 16th
George Hotel 3:40pm

Lord, what a couple of days.  So many waves of loneliness, stomach aches of missing Alan, tears by the tormented bucketful.

Let's disgress -------

Friday night was wonderful w/Miles and Avril.  We sat in the lobby of the hotel, tucked into a niche on a comfy sofa, had drinks, and talked until after 10:00pm.  Miles is a very tall, gangly guy, I think he must be at least 6-1/2 feet tall, and very slim.  He's also very, very sweet and I enjoyed my time with both of them so much.  Avril is lovely.  We talked about all the documents/photos/family history that I'd mailed to them over the past few weeks.  Gave him the Great America Tour slides of Alan and Keith in 1980.  He can somehow change the slides into photos and will send me a few later on.  Miles told me some memories he had of Alan; I confessed I'd ruined my scarf by blowing my nose into it at the Gardens earlier in the day.  I loved meeting up with both of them.

Thought after such a nice, relaxing evening, I would sleep like a baby.  NOT.  Managed a few hours, then laid awake until after 4:30am.  Finally--no doubt from sheer exhaustion--fell asleep but seemed just a few minutes later was woken @ 8:00am by the bloody alarm.  Very weary start to a busy day.

Met w/Alison at Noon.  She is so cute, and bubbly, and perked me up immediately, even though I was really tired and still had the night out w/Jack & Alice to come.

Was thinking I could get an afternoon nap in before the night, but Alison and I were having too much fun.  Went shopping all along George, into Rose St, then sat for ages over coffee @ Costa off Princes St. talking about life, Alan, things in general.

It was really, truly great to hang out with her, though I wasn't anywhere near my usual self.  I must have felt like an albatross she was dragging around with her all day.  I don't think I was too cheerful and/or upbeat, for sure.

Got back to the hotel after 4:00pm, message from Jack he would be collecting me around 6:30-ish, so with having to eat something for dinner, shower and get dressed for a night out, a nap was out of the question.  I loaded up on coffee, had a quick fish & chip room service dinner, then got dolled up and went to the lobby to wait for Jack.

The evening at Bainfield was just great (at first!!) for two reasons:  Alan & I had many a good time at the club, especially in the early years of our relationship; and it felt so normal to be hanging w/Jack, Alice and of course Jimmy, who showed up shortly after we got settled at our table.  I spied him coming in the door and dashed across the dance floor.  His incredibly wonderful hug, and his wizened ol' face, brought back so many memories of Cramond, and Alan, and those Thursday gardening days...it just made me cry.  Great way to start the evening...right??!!

Things went along fine for awhile.  Drinks, some laughs, a good night.  Until about an hour into the cabaret act, and the singer made a big deal about grabbing your partner and getting out on the dance floor.  I had this mind/body meltdown of the last time we were at the club--a Burns Supper--and Alan & I dancing this wonderful, slow dance.  He was a great slow dancer; held onto me in one of his great hugs and whirled me like a feather around the dance floor.  His hugs.  I miss those more than words can say.

I could feel his arms around me, could remember how we danced together, could almost hear his voice in my ear...and against my will, unexpected and without warning, I was sobbing.  In public.  At a club function.  And do I have a tissue..??????????  Of course not.  I dashed off to the Ladies and cried in a stall while my makeup ran down my face.  There were two women in the bathroom who naturally wanted to know what catastrophe had happened to me.  As I wiped my face on toilet paper (and why does toilet paper hold together for...well, you know...but doesn't hold together for tears..??), I explained it was my first night out without my husband in a place where we had had lots of fun in the past.  Then one of the women started crying along with me because her mother had died just when Alan did..!!  Honestly, just take me along for a good time, huh..??

Alice came in to see if I was okay, and after comforting me and talking for awhile, I was able to stop blubbering and go back to the party.  I felt hollow and empty for the rest of the night though and missed Alan like an amputated limb.  My heart has a gigantic echoing hole in it.  That echo is nearly deafening these days.

So.  I get back to my room about 12:30am, and think that surely after 3 whiskeys and all those tears, I will sleep like a log.  Crap.

I think I finally dropped off around 4:00am, but had already decided I was not getting up with the alarm; I would wake up when I woke up.  No alarm, no caring about the hotel breakfast...just sleep.

Work up at 11:15 this morning!!  Half the day gone, and it's a beautiful sunny one, too, dammit..!!

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Cripes, this is really long, and I still have 6 pages left in this entry.  Needless to say, it was a very emotional weekend.  I think I'll stop here though, and pick up tomorrow as I leave the hotel for Ocean Terminal.  Alan & I used to go there every Tuesday for a coffee and slice of lemon cake before grocery shopping.  I had planned on spending Sunday alone as it was going to be a Memory Lane day for me and there were places I wanted to go--by myself.  I'll start there in the next installment...

Lovely Autumn Day...

I took yesterday off from blogging, mainly because I got a late start to my Sunday morning, walked the dogs later than usual, then talked on the phone for the better part of the afternoon--first to my BFF Jan who is in Los Angeles for three weeks visiting her mother, then to Morag, my neighbor from Edinburgh.

Jan and I haven't had an opportunity to talk at all since before I left for Scotland, so we had mega stuff to cover, both from my end and hers.  Sadly, her father passed away just a few weeks before Alan, so she's spending more time down south than usual to help her mother sort through things. 

Then, before I could do much more than get my pot of chili cooking--something I had planned on all week for Sunday dinner--Morag called and we chatted for another length of time.  We only saw each other that first day I arrived in Edinburgh, though had scheduled the following Tuesday for our afternoon lunch and get-together.  Unfortunately, she fell on the Monday as she was leaving her volunteer job at a local thrift shop, and ended up in the hospital for the duration of my stay.  She is still recovering from a very serious fall last Christmas which broke her pelvis in two places, so this was a wretched setback.  It was good to talk yesterday, to find she was mending a bit, and her spirits were high, etc.

So.  The chili cooked all afternoon and into the early evening, the smell filling the house with such a wonderful, homey aroma, the perfect thing for a nice Fall day.  I made cornbread muffins, and totally enjoyed my dinner--except for the fact I made enough chili to feed a small third world country.  I am going to freeze meal-sized portions, which should pretty much cover any future chili dinners until sometime next year.

I usually simmer the chili in the crock pot all day, but I haven't used my dutch oven for months, and thought I would try it instead. It rocked.

Monday morning and the weather is just perfect today.  Sunny, warm--but not too warm--and all the trees changing colors for the season.  I decided to take the dogs to the big county park outside Roseburg, not only for somewhere different to walk, but to see how the river looked with the turning leaves.

I tried to take a photo of the boys when they weren't paying attention, but the minute I raised the camera to my eye, Max looked up in horror and darted away in panic.  I snapped this as he was just spinning to run.  Honestly, what in the world could have frightened him so much in his other life that the mere pointing of a camera would make him so crazy.  In any case...here's the boys.  Notice that Ozzy's hair STILL hasn't recovered from his scalping, which is now one year ago.  Aarrgghh.

I had to sneak the camera out from under my sweatshirt to take these next shots.  Max caught me, but I managed to keep the camera pointed away from him so he wasn't so scared.  What a goof...

Walking across the park, headed for the river.  The trees are slow to change out here; the ones in town are more colorful.  I'll try to remember to take my camera to the city park tomorrow.

The view up the Umpqua River...

...and the view down river...













Very pretty Monday morning, isn't it..??.  We had a really good walk, one of the better ones the three of us have had lately.  It was quiet, hardly anyone about, warm and sunny, and well, just peaceful.  The dogs were off-leash for a bit of time too, which they loved and rarely get to do.

Later today I'll get back to the travel diary.  We left off just as I was meeting with Miles and Avril.  I think I'm sort of procrastinating as the next installment was written on Sunday, and covers Friday night, Saturday and part of Sunday.  I had some very painful moments during that period.  Though...I'm also realizing some important things, which was part of the purpose of this whole journey, wasn't it..??  Stay tuned...

Boooo...

Rainy Saturday...

Ah...at last.  A rainy, misty, miserable day in Roseburg, though not miserable to me, of course.  It's a perfect day to lounge around in my most stretchy sweat pants, no bra, and comfy warm, thick socks (sorry for the visual).  I'm back from walking the dogs at the park, so it's a whole afternoon of relaxing and reading and whatever ahead of me.  Heaven, in other words.

Now, let's go back in time.  I didn't write in my journal on the Thursday, so this installment was written on Friday, and covers both days.  Friday wasn't a good day for me.  I really cried at one point, sitting alone in the Princes Street Gardens, remembering...

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Friday - 7:15pm
Oct 14th

Sitting in the George Hotel lobby waiting for Miles and Avril.

It's been a busy, and fraught, couple of days since my last entry.

Thursday was my "take care of business" day.  I met with George, my solicitor.  One of my main reasons for visiting him was to thank him for all his help after Alan was gone and I was lost in the red tape of British bureaucracy.  It was a great hour-long meeting.  He gave me excellent advice and counsel on a number of issues: real estate in Edin, financial planning for my future, cost of living for a single woman, etc.  When we finished I asked him how much I owed him.  He smiled and said when I came back and needed his help in purchasing a place, he'd get me then.  Bless him.

I dawdled in some shops on my way from George's to the Royal Bank.  Bought a wonderful book at Anthropologie about being a One.  It's beautifully done and very insightful.

Against all expectations, the RBS experience was brilliant.  The woman helping me with some difficult transaction details was so great, and now, in any future dealings with the Royal, I should have no trouble at all.  What a difference in handling something in person as opposed to over the phone, 6,000 miles away!!

Around the corner from the Royal is Multrees Walk, and Valvona & Corolla, a place where Alan and I often had coffee.   I was hungry and it was getting into the afternoon, so in I went.  I sat upstairs at a lovely table overlooking the Walk.  Had the best Artichoke soup I have ever tasted, plus the waitress talked me into a small glass of Prosecco.  Lunch was followed by my favorite Italian coffee.  It was a very nice interlude.

Back to my room--new room actually.  I moved this morning and am much happier and closer to the center of the hotel, plus have a great view out the back, away from the chaos and confusion of George Street.  And what a nightmare that is!!  They have just re-routed all the Princes St traffic to George and holy crap, what a mess.

I was still full from my late lunch, so I snuggled into my jammies, watched some telly, had a cuppa,  and read my new book.  Felt very accomplished getting all my business stuff dealt with.

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Today wasn't so great.  I got a fairly good night's sleep, made it downstairs to the hotel breakfast, which was excellent, then headed out on a wonderful, sunny day to look around town.

By early afternoon I ended up at Princes Street Gardens, sitting on a bench in a quieter area, soaking up the warmth in the sunshine.  The castle loomed, in all its glory in front of me.  And suddenly, without warning, I was back in time, talking to Alan about going to the Gardens to take some shots of the daffodils on the Mound in the April sun.  We drove into town, and I took several photos.  As I sat there today, I realized I was right in that same spot!!  I was overwhelmed and burst into tears.  No, actually, I was sobbing uncontrollably.  It was awful.  I was in public.  And buggers, as usual, I didn't have a tissue.  That made me cry harder because Alan always had to lend me his handkerchief in an emergency, and I could just hear his voice saying, "You never have a tissue!"  as he laughed at me.   I cried and cried, so much wanting my old life back.  Why in the world did we ever leave here, Alan??  Disgustingly, I ended up blowing my nose and wiping my face in my scarf!!

[FYI:  This is one of the photos I took that long ago day in April 2007.  The bench where I was sitting on Friday was this exact view, minus the daffodils, of course]

Somehow I got back to the hotel, and my room.  I cried some more as I washed out my scarf in the tub, then dropped with exhaustion into a long nap.

Tried to have dinner at the hotel restaurant, but being Friday @ 6:00pm, the place was packed full.  Went across the street to Hard Rock, but same story, so returned to room and ordered room service.  Pea & Ham soup, with fresh baked bread.  It was delicious.  Alison called as I was dressing to meet with Miles and we made arrangements to meet tomorrow @ Noon.

Talked to Lorna this afternoon as well--we're meeting at Noon on Monday.

It seems as long as I'm busy, I can handle things, but wow, on my own??  What an agony of loneliness assails me.  I'm not sure if Alan's closer to me here, or if the memories are too much in my face now that I'm back where we spent our lives together.  I feel very fragile today for some reason.  Well.  For many reasons, I'm sure.

Miles and Avril should be here any minute.  Going to sign off and sit back and watch the comings and goings around me here in the hotel lobby...

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Ugh, that Friday was so painful.  It hurts to remember.  It was my first--of three--breakdowns during the course of my journey.  It was like my grief was made fresh all over again; like I had to grieve for Alan in the place where we lived, and loved each other; a place far more "us" than Roseburg could ever be.

The only saving grace to that day was meeting with Miles and Avril, who showed up just as I was putting my journal into my purse.  But that's a story for tomorrow...

A Photo...and More Words...

Matthew, landscaper extraordinaire, has a son named Tucker.  One day during the summer, Matthew brought him to the house.  I showed him the pumpkins--which were small and green at the time.  When the first one got big and orange, before all the others, I thought of Tucker.  Matthew had to come over for some replacement planting a few weeks ago, so when he was finished, we cut Tucker's Pumpkin from the vine.

I got this in an email from Matthew last night...

How cute is that..??  Not just Tucker, but the pumpkin, too.

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Here's the next installment in the travel journal.  This one is pretty short, though the one tomorrow will be much longer as it comprises two days combined.  In any case, here's Wednesday, my first full day in Edinburgh...

6:20pm Wednesday, Oct 12

Hard Rock Cafe.  Edinburgh.

Flight over wasn't bad.  6 hrs.  Arrived early--7:30am.  Longer wait for the luggage it seemed.  45 min. cab ride to the George Hotel thru rush hour traffic, but had great cabbie.  We had a nice talk about all the goings-on in Edin since I left.  Felt like I'd never been gone.  The only unsettling defect to the experience was not driving home to Cramond.

Hotel room is good.  Tucked away in a confusing, though very quiet and private section of the hotel.  I like the coziness, but it's a bit off the beaten track and will probably change rooms tomorrow.

Morag arrived shortly after I began unpacking.  She looks good, though is using her cane and had a hard time navigating the stairs.  Another reason to change rooms.  We talked for ages, then I called Jack/Alice to let them know I'd arrived.  Turns out they'd been waiting downstairs for nearly an hour!!  The four of us sat in the lobby, had coffee and talked.  It was beyond wonderful to see them.  It felt so natural and normal to be "home."

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8:15pm Tempus Bar

George Hotel

Had a short nap, then walked around town for a bit before ending up across from the hotel at the Hard Rock Cafe.  It was quiet--for a change--and I had a great dinner of chicken and chips, with a Corona beer.  I bought a new zip-up-the-front Hard Rock sweatshirt as my old one is getting a bit tattered, then went back to the George and into the Tempus bar.

Things are all changed now; it's not in any way like it was when Alan and I had our wedding reception here.  I was envisioning the old quiet, elegant bar that I remembered as I sipped a Dalwhinnie, but instead it's now a 30-something, blaring music, too loud to talk restaurant/bar situation.  Disappointing, but the Dalwhinnie tasted just as good!!

Had a nice conversation with an English gent who's been posted to Edin by his employer for several months to work.  We talked books vs Kindle (he had a book, I had my Kindle).

I miss Alan.

Words from my journey...

I was paging through my travel journal this morning, comparing my day today with what I was doing last Thursday (coming back to America already) with the Thursday before (when I was just two days into being "home" in Edinburgh).

Thought it would be interesting to share.  Everything in italics is taken verbatim from the book...






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Oct 11, 2011

And so it begins.  Sitting @ PDX, 7:45am, waiting to board Continental for flight to Newark, then on to Edinburgh.  So much (too much??) riding on this journey.  If nothing else becomes clear to me, I hope know leaving the house/Roseburg will be the ONE thing that does.

The machinations to return to Edin seem insurmountable, though who knows how much help and/or conviction I might have were that plan to be "the one??"  Still.  Right this minute, in this place, it seems more than daunting to realize how much I will have to do if I decide to live there again.

Nearly time to board...the journey begins...

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5:20pm Newark airport.

Fairly good flight from Portland.  Left on time, got here early, around 3:00-ish NY time.  Cat meow'd nearly the whole way from 1st Class section, but overall, the time went pretty fast.  Now the longer leg begins, from here to Edinburgh, tho' with any luck I'll be able to sleep at least part of the way.

Read the new Stephen King short story "Mile 81" on my Kindle and

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Interrupted--have no memory why I stopped writing above!!

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Had dinner at a diner-type restaurant, wandered all over the international section of airport, finally found a quiet area where I could put my feet up and just watch people.  Left NY @ 8:00pm for Scotland.

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My words might have seemed so calm, and even casual, but I was nervous, and excited, and scared, and felt so alone without Alan beside me.

It's so interesting when we start any journey: the unknown is before us; anything can happen; the possibilities are endless.  All I can say is, the Terri who left America, and the one who came back 9 days later were two very different women.  And thankfully, that's a good thing.

Fall Pumpkins

Early this summer I planted two pumpkin starts on the back slope.  Not only did I want to fill in the bare ground, but I also wanted to see if I could get some pumpkins to grow for Halloween.  It seemed like those little plants were never going to take off, but finally, I think around July, they just exploded into flowers, then little baby green bulbs, then lo and behold: pumpkins..!!

Before I left for Portland and my long journey to Scotland, I picked (though...wait...I don't think you technically "pick" a pumpkin, do you..??).  So, okay, I harvested two and took them to my sister's.  One was nice and big, the other small and cute.  I cut two more off the vines for myself, and left three that were still green to fend for themselves.  I never for one minute imagined it would not rain the entire two weeks I was gone.  I mean, really, it's October for crying out loud.

The first thing I did on Sunday when I got home was check the pumpkins.  Sadly, the vines had withered to nearly nothing, but the three pumpkins were still hanging on, and in fact, had somehow doubled in size even without water.  I have now watered for two days and part of the vines have recovered, fortunately the part where the pumpkins are attached.

Here's a shot of the two I cut off the vine before I went on the trip.  I left them in the coolness of the garage where they survived just fine; I will hopefully carve them over this coming weekend.  I measured the height of these two and though it doesn't look it, they came in at 13 inches tall..!!

The three on the vine are even bigger.  They're taking their time in turning orange, and it's clear they won't make it by Halloween, but I'm going to let them just keep growing to see what happens.

For a bit of perspective:  See that large leaf in the middle foreground of the single pumpkin photo directly above this sentence..??  That leaf measured 15 inches...and shows just how big the pumpkin is so far.  Totally cool.  Last night the temps got down into the high 30s which should speed along the change in color, though it's to get into the high 60s during the day for the next week, so I'm not sure how that will affect the growth and/or color process. 

And honestly..??  Give me an Edinburgh rainy, misty October any day...it's not natural that it never rains here.

The Quest

I've just returned from 8 days in Edinburgh, following my quest to find my way after Alan.  I'm starting this new blog because the other one is so wrapped up in our life together I just can't write there anymore, and I really miss my blog writing. 

So, this will be a beginnning, an exploration, a search for a path where just my feet will leave prints.   Hopefully, as time goes by, I will find some peace, some answers, and maybe just a bit more wisdom.

While in Scotland, I bought a book at Anthropologie--an amazingly cool store--by Victoria Alexander, an Aussie.  It's called One and was just exactly the perfect book, not just for my long, lonely jet-lagged nights for something to read, but because of her words.  (My sister said that strange things come your way when you're grieving: people, messages, objects, support.  She's right.) 

It's a beautiful book--almost a work of art--and filled with fabulous photographs Victoria has taken from her travels all over the world.  Her message however is about being a One and being okay with it...in fact loving it.  I'm so not at that stage by any means, but I could really appreciate her thoughts, photos and ideas for achieving such a life.

And oddly,  of all the wonderful objects, clothes, and books in the shop that day, this one caught my attention for some reason.  It was way up on a shelf, not easily reached, and I have no idea why it called to me...but I'm very glad it did.

I am going to attempt NaNo again this year--see my new widget and word counter over there on the right.  I loved winning in 2009, and came so close last November, that I must try again for 2011.  Besides, it's crazy fun and keeps my mind occupied when my thoughts/sorrows overwhelm me.

Well, as I am terribly sick, from some plague that was recycling on the airplane while flying home, I must go lie down for a nap before I keel over.  Stay tuned.  With any luck I'll be back...