Yesterday I fell in a hole. A melancholy, I'm-so-fucking-tired-of-being-alone, damned deep hole. I didn't see it coming and that might be what made it so much worse. Blindsided, hit upside the head with the proverbial two-by-four. I know what set it off, I just didn't expect this particular song to drop me into the abyss.
I had a reasonable Saturday: a good walk with the boys in the morning, dinked around the house, did some chores, nothing much really to speak of, just a normal day in my world.
Later, early evening, I'm cuddled on the couch with a dog on either side, flipping channels. If I can't find something to watch on the television, no problem, I've got my book. As I'm cruising, I happened upon the Country Music Channel, a station I have never watched or paid much attention to. I'm a blues, and rock & roll girl. I don't have anything against country, it's just not my thing, what with all the twangin' and cryin' and been-done-wrongin'. There have been a few--very few--country songs that I have liked over the years, but for the most part...nope, not a fan.
But for some reason, I pause in my channel surfing just as this video comes on. I don't know who the singer is, don't know anything about the song, but I stop for a listen.
I get halfway through this video, and I'm bawling my eyes out. Seriously. Tears streaming, dropping off my chin, the whole enchilada. When the song gets to the end--and this guy in the crowd at the party or the BBQ or whatever, gets up the nerve to talk to the girl with the cool black Lab--I totally lose the plot. Tears, tears, tears. And for crying in the night, it's not a sad song!!!
Here. Watch the video. Turn up the volume if you can, and listen to the words. Then I'll try to explain what I figured out about the meltdown and what I think it means. Give it a listen...
(If the video isn't visible, hit the Refresh button)
I know, I know. It's pretty dadgum country, isn't it? I think I even hear the twang in there now and then. Not my style at all, but holy crap, I love this. I love the lyrics and the music and the scenery. And it broke my heart.
What I finally realized? I've been that couple in the car, I've been that girl meeting a guy that had to get up the nerve to introduce himself. I've driven down the back roads. And you know what? I probably won't get to do any of those things again. Ever. By the time I got to the end of this song, I could hardly stand the pain of that reality. Talk about a rude awakening.
And I'm not talking here about getting older, or whingeing because I'm not 25 anymore. It's not that at all. I'm talking about love, and that feeling you get in your belly when you're with the right person and you can't keep your hands off each other, can't stop the wanting, have to be so close the only thing to do is crawl inside their skin. "Get right with my soul," as the song says.
That's what broke my heart and made me cry. I fell into that damned deep hole because there comes a time in your life when you pretty much have to figure those days just might be gone. And I don't want them to be gone. I don't want to think I'll never fall in love again, or have that twist in my stomach because of a killer kiss, or share private jokes that no one else understands, or catch my man's eye across a room and know exactly what that look means. I don't want to think those things are over for me.
Crap. I'm going to sell the television. No more random channel surfing, no more watching videos that make me cry. I don't want any more bloody heartbreaking revelations.
Man, I've got to get off this damn mountain.