Friday, November 4, 2011

The End in sight...

This post is not the final one of the journal, but it is the penultimate.  I feel like I've spent twice as long in Edinburgh as I actually did.  Still, it's been a really good thing to write out my thoughts again.  Helps to clarify, like talking out loud about something to a friend.

Yesterday I had a most grueling dental appointment.  Ugh, ouch and crap.  I'm having some serious work done: two crowns and two partials to replace the missing molars.  Yesterday was the crown work and damn, once I got home--an hour and a half later--and the Novocaine wore off...well, let's just say it's a good thing I buy Advil in the giant-sized container.  This morning my jaw is really sore, and I can barely drink my coffee.  My only consolation is that eventually--she says optimistically--I will have my smile back without being self-conscious of those missing teeth.

I'm rethinking the NaNo book.  I might scrap the new story--which isn't flowing or going anywhere--and go back to Book Two of the original 4-book saga I started a couple of years ago.  I meant to reread Book One to refresh my memory whilst on the trip so I could in fact start Book Two, but didn't get to it, mainly because I had so many other things happening.  It makes sense to work on something that already has a plot.  Theoretically.

So, since we're talking about writing books...


Thursday Oct 20th
11:05am Edinburgh Airport

This day came faster than even I thought possible.  Where did my time go?  It kills me to leave, tho' I was getting tired of hotel living, not sleeping, and being sick (still in bad shape on that front).  Wish I had my own place to go home to.  And how much do I miss Alan today as I sit here, alone at the airport, when I'm so used to being here with him.  It seems harder today traveling w/o him than it did coming.  Maybe it's just that after spending my days here, where we lived, it doesn't feel right to be leaving, or leaving on my own.

Speaking of Alan:  My dream this morning ~

I was in a parking lot, like at Sainsbury's, just ready to step off the curb.  I looked across the lot and Alan was walking towards me.  He looked  fit and tall, wearing a parka as if the weather was cold.  He had a salt & pepper scruff of whiskers on his face--like a few days w/o shaving.  As he came towards me he said, "I just got in" then lifted me up for a hug.  I wrapped my legs around his waist but before I could get my arms around him, or revel in his hug, or ask him any questions ("what should I do??") my frigging alarm clock went off!!!!!!  Shit!!!!!  I hit the snooze button and tried to recapture the dream, but it was gone.

I so needed to feel his arms around me, and would have loved to talk to him.  What are the odds my damned alarm would go off @ precisely that exact moment??  What did he mean by "I just got in"..???  He looked so real, so there...

More heartbreak.


Met w/Jimmy, Alice & Jack Wed. afternoon.  We walked down to the Oxford Bar and had drinks, then went back to the hotel and said our goodbyes.  Sad.  It's been so great to see them--and everyone really.  I so hate this leaving part.

Talked to Morag, fresh out of the hospital after her fall Monday afternoon.  Doesn't seem like she's injured herself any worse than she already was, which is a good thing.  Then had one last conversation with my sister; will call her from NY when I arrive.

Miles called last night about 9:00pm as I was just finishing my packing.  We had a brief, though very nice chat.  It was so thoughtful of him to call and wish me a safe trip.  He is a very sweet guy.

Packed my bags and went to bed, tho' as usual didn't sleep hardly at all.  I'm definitely not well and had to get up twice to blow my nose and/or eat a throat lozenge to try to stop the horrid tickle in the back of my throat.  So crappy that I've gotten ill this trip when I think of all the times I've gone back and forth with nary a sniffle.  I think it's  just the circumstances (grief, stress, exhaustion), plus whatever germs I picked up from somewhere along the line.


Well.  Deep breath.  Shuddering sigh.  Plane's boarding.  The beginning of a most long and disagreeable day.  Don't want to leave, and can only hope that at some point (soon!!), everything will become clear about my next move(s).

Wish I could have talked to Alan this morning...

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